wax

my fingernails were stained a deep hue of blue, my mouth coated with wax and paper. as the class recited john 3:16 – for god so… – i gently rolled my fingers around a blue crayon's crumpled jacket.

my other hand, the crayonless one, pressed hard against my prayerful eyes. this was my favorite "i'm bored in class" game. press hard enough, long enough, and see waves of noise and undulating color – grayed-out hues of yellow, blue, red, purple, and white.

i pressed too hard and the sudden pain jolted me awake. i dropped one hand, but held onto the tattered cover. it took a minute for my eyes to adjust, alternating between my teacher's glare and fleeting glances of my secret life.

sudden sounds crackled.

laughter.

jeers.

and i stood alone, to the far side of the room, holding the paper tube, oblivious to ending of the verse.

"sit down!"

i stammered -- a reflex, i'm sure -- as i slipped the crayon casing into my toughskin's pocket.

scattered scoffs.

"god so loved..."

and i will never forget those sounds.